lynxshs06

This sucks.... kinda

Thu, 29 Jul 2004 03:12:28 GMT

Well ok i had been having a little trouble deciding things about people lately mainly whether to continue going out with jacob. Now that its over i realize that i change to much about who i am and who i hang out with when i go out with him anyway i'll get to that in a min i had been having doubts and it seems as though he had changed but he's still the exact same as he was. We showed up at band camp Monday and he didn't say a word to me so yeah i knew it was over right then unfortunatly I wasn't gonna approach him at band camp and I was only home for an hour after band camp because i have to go help with Vacation Bible School so no time to talk to him. So today after three days of him being surrounded by other girls and ignoring me he sent Sammy to break up with me for him. I don't like sammy at all i can't stand the boy he comes up and goes yeah i don't understand what it means but jacob told me to tell you I go ok Stop Jacobs an asshole i know And then i walked away Not even an hour later he has this girl who i knew he had a crush on even though he wouldn't admit it hanging all over him. I was like Whoa he usually waits at least an hour before he makes a fool out of me. Anywayin a way thats a blessing that it happened cause i really didn't feel like doing it myself but i knew it had to end but anyway Umm Band camp has been good for one thing Have an hour and a half long lunch where we sit around and play BS for like the whole time. Yesterday when we started playing it i realized i have a new group of friends which is good. Some of them are old friends but there are some new ones i'm getting closer to. Like Stephen Hynes Some people don't liek him Jacob especially but he's one of my friends and i completely ditched him when i went out with jacob. And Ryan i couldn't so much as be around Ryan when i was going out with Jacob lest Jacob get majorly Pissed. But i missed him he's one of my close friends the only other girl in our new group is cristen but thats cool cause i can get along with her alot to. Then theres donald parker (who's awesome) jeff and tim who are pretty new to being friends with me. Anyway after band camp we all hang out by my car and like joke around and run around making fools of ourselves and the beutiful thing is that i don't care! Really i mean i'm so self concious when i'm goin gout with jacob afraid to do anything like i normally would and thats not how i want to be. even when i'm not going out with him i'm afraid of who will see me or what people will think screw people i'm with my friends and i'm having fun for once i'm having fun. Whoch is a great feelign to be crazy and goofy and just be there with all your buddies anyway my mom is yelling at me i gotta get off

horrible

Thu, 08 Jul 2004 02:09:00 GMT

Its pretty bad when you can't stand your own parents and no its not just because of my being a teenager or whatever its because of their actions. The word "Love" has no meaning for me when addressed to them. They have separated me from everything I Have ever loved and then expect me to be able to love them. My sister Dione Is the most important person in my life. In many ways i consider her more of a mother to me than my own mother. She is my half sister therefore my mother doesn't like her. My mom has to be like insane or something because she seems to think everyone is turning people against her. She thinks the reason i don't like her is because Dione told me not to. Therefore she took Dione out of my life. I can't hang out with her I can't see her. She tried to make it to where i couldn't talk to her even but that hasn't happened yet. I miss her more than anything. My mom is an extrememly Jealous person. When i started gettin closer to Dione than I would ever be to her she tried to separate us. Shes always snooped through my stuff i used to not know until she found out about my meeting Joe. The only way she could have found that out would be because of some emails i had saved in my room. i looked though them and sure enough all the ones to dione or from dione were gone. My dad had confronted my sister with it while they were away together on Vacation therefore my sister called to warn me that they had been snooping. Little do they know that i do know about all of this. Everytime my sister tries to see me or tries to invite me over for a night or whatever they say no. They make up excuses that i don't need to go anywhere or that whenever they let me do anything i act up afterwords which is entirely Bullshit. this weekend is my nephews birthday party which my sister told me about last night and my dad about this morning and i asked my dad if we could go. What was the answer of course No. I haven't seen her in forever and they haven't either obviously that doesn't matter to them though. What was the excuse oh her mom's gonna be there and i don't feel like seeing her. Bull shit!!! I'm sure that for the sake of Dione and my nephews You could tolerate her for a little while. So again I am tempted with being able to see her and it gets torn from me. They've even stopped letting me see my other sister because obviously she tries to turn me against my mother to. Thing is that thats the daughter they like that they would do anything for. teh thing that my mother doesn't see is that its not my sisters who are turning me away from her. they don't say anythign to me about you shouldnt like her or say anything about my mother for that matter. The thing that turns me against her isn't my sisters or anything they say its my mothers own actions the things i see her do. My sisters are better influences on my life than my mother could ever be. Yes they have made mistakes in the past and i see that thats why they are a good influence to me because i see what they did and how it is affecting their lives and i know i can't turn out like them. And if i dont make their mistakes my parents will think its because of something they did hell no if anything its because of how my sisters were what i saw how they treated me not. it won't be any thanks to my parents for anything they have done. I have to years left in this house and as soon as i get out i'm outta here for good. I've already arranged that when i graduate I'm going to live with Dione in her hosue. Are my parents gonna like that fact No but do they have a say in it NO. I've already established that my sister is more of a mom than my damn mother ever will be. I'm going to go live with my sister and go to college from there and if i end up with Joe so be it! My mom tries to be like oh he's a nice guy you should go for so and so or no he's a jerk don't have anything to do with him. She even tries to pick my friends like i'm gonna listen to you. She thinks certain people are bad influences on me. Hell she doesn't know them how the hell should she be able to judge anyone. I know about her mistakes the things she has done in the past. Sure yeah she tries to spy on me but theres nothing left for her to find out. I've learned to keep all my stuff underwraps. Unfortunatly shes to busy trying to snoop on me to cover her own mistkes. I found out she was digging stuff up on me so i started trying to find dirt on her. And ohh did I. I have so many things i could bring up when shes accusing me of being a slut or any of the other things that are untrue she accuses me of Do I? No i keep that to myself for revenge later on right before i move out. I'm gonna have a load of fun the day i move out. Putting her back in her place letting her know that i know she snoops on me letting her know that i can't be a slut i've never done anything. After that she'll be lucky to ever see me again, Not that she'd want to. i have to live in hell right now having to put up with the stuff they put me through. the immense pain of missing my sister day in and day out, the accusatinos that are throw at me, the false rumors she spreads about me to everyone in the family including my sisters and everyone in her office building.Luckily my sisters have the decency to talk to me about the rumors Instead of believeing her. She thinks i act bad when io come back from seeing them, if i do the only reason is because i realize how good they are to me and that because of her i can't have that anymore that because of her i'm missing out on seeing them and having relationships with them. I can't wait to graduate and get out of here then i can go live with Dione and have my real family with me. And who knows actually have a decent relationship with Joe. I know everything happens for a reason and that everything that happens is part of Gods Perfect plan. My life will be good again i truly believe that that is what is in store for me in the future. Unfortunatly i have to deal with living here before that happens.

Horrible

Thu, 08 Jul 2004 02:05:45 GMT

well

Mon, 28 Jun 2004 03:36:56 GMT

I still have a major thing for that guy but I know i can't do anything about that anymore. I like the Quote: " Should I Smile because we're friends Or Cry because thats all we'll ever be."

I was scanning through some entries today i found a poem that describes alot of what i'm feeling about that situation.i'm gonna post some of it here.

I hope you go on to find what you deserve

I pray for your happiness...true happiness.

I only wish i could be a part of it.

I am only sure life will take us down two different paths,

I just hope that they cross again someday...

by fate, chance, or reason, i just hope to see you again.

If down this road, i find you behind me, i will smile one of encouragement...

and if i find you ahead of me, i will applaud you.

And if i find you along side of me, i will rejoyce.

Live well, Laugh lots, and love always, my friend.

Guess for now thats all i have to say. Later

Survey (stolen)

Mon, 28 Jun 2004 02:53:42 GMT

Read this then fill out
1. HAVE YOU EVER KISSED YOUR COUSIN:NO
2. RAN AWAY:Nope
3. BROKEN SOMEONE'S HEART: Maybe but i couldn't really tell ya that you;'d have the ask the guy
4. BEEN IN LOVE: Yes
5. CRIED WHEN SOMEONE DIED: Yes
6. BROKEN A BONE: Nope
7. DRANK ALCOHOL:Nope
8. LIED: Yes
9. CRIED IN SCHOOL: Yeah many times

WHICH IS BETTER:
10. COKE OR PEPSI: Pepsi
11. SPRITE OR 7UP: Sprite
12. GIRLS OR GUYS: Guys
13. FLOWERS OR CANDY: Flowers

14. SCRUFF OR CLEAN SHAVEN: Depends on Who it is
15. QUIET OR LOUD: Loud
16. BLONDES OR BRUNETTES: Both???
18. TALL OR SHORT: Short~!
20. WHAT DO YOU NOTICE FIRST: Eyes
21. LAST PERSON YOU SLOW-DANCED WITH: Ummmm I couldn't say Maybe some random guy at the band banquet.
22. THE WORST THING TO DO: Be hurt By someone you Love or vise versa

WHAT IS:
26. YOUR GOOD LUCK CHARM:Can't say i have one
27. PERSON YOU HATE MOST: Ummm no one comes to mind
28. THE BEST THING THAT HAS HAPPENED TO YOU TODAY: I got to hold Allisons Baby again!~! I love Babies

FAVORITES:
29. COLOR:Purple
30. MOVIE:Monty Python and the Holy Grail
31. BOOK: I Don't Know
32. SUBJECT IN SCHOOL: History Or Math
33. FOOD: Tacos or Pizza

34. CARS: Classic Mustangs As in 66 or 67
35. ICE CREAM: Strawberry
37. SEASON: Spring Or fall Cause its not hot but not exactly cold either. Oh and in spring we get out of school and fall is marching season
38. BREAKFAST FOOD: Toaster Strudles
39. PLACE TO GO WITH YOUR HONEY: Never went anywhere with him so i wouldn't know~!

DO YOU EVER:
40. SIT BY THE PHONE WAITING FOR A PHONE CALL ALL NIGHT:Yes
41. SAVE AOL CONVERSATIONS: I have before
42. SAVE E-MAILS: Yeah like alot
43. WISH YOU WERE SOMEONE ELSE: Yes

DO YOU:
51. Color your hair?: Nope

52. Have tattoos?: No but i want at least one
53. Have piercings?: Umm my ears
54. Have a boyfriend/girlfriend/both?: I have Boyfriend (for now GRRR he needs hold up to what he says!?!?!)
55. Own a webcam?: Nope

57. Ever get off the computer?: Yes Occasionally to go to church or to eat Or if my I ever got a boyfriend who would go anywhere when he says he will

58. Sprechen sie deutsche?: What Huh?!?!?!
59. Habla espanol?:Si! A little bit
60. Quack?: Nope

HAVE YOU / DO YOU / ARE YOU:
61. Stolen anything?: Nope
62. Smoke?:Nope Never
63. Drive? Yes!
64. Obsessive?:Sometimes
65. Compulsive?: Occasionally
66. Obsessive compulsive?: Maybe....
67. Panic?: Yes
68. Anxiety?: Yes

69. Depressed?: YES
70. Suicidal?: well Not now

71. Obsessed with hate?: No can't say i am
72. Dream of mutilated bodies, blood, death, and gore?:No
73. If you could be anywhere, where would you be?:With my friends I haven't seen in forever (Stanley and all my seniors who are gone now... I miss Ya'll)
74. Can you do anything freakish with your body?: Can't say i can well actually i can click my toungue (like the aliens on signs)
75. What facial feature do you find the most attractive: Eyes
76. Would you vote for a woman candidate for president?: maybe someday
77. Would you marry for money?: Haha i've talked about it!!! But no

78. Have you had braces?: Nope
79. Do you pluck your eyebrows?: Yea
80. Do you like hairy backs?: Umm no opinion
81. Could you live without a computer?: Never
82. Do you use ICQ, AOL Buddy list etc...? Aim and Yahoo
83. If so, how many people are on your list/s?: Yahoo-15 and Aim-42
84. If you could live in any past time period, which would it be?: Renaissance or the Victorian Era(latter most likely)
85. Do you drink enough water?: I guess
86. Do you wear shoes in the house or take them off?:Depends on how big Of a hurry i'm in most of the time No
87. What is your favorite fruit?: Grapes
88. Do you eat wheat bread or white: Both whitewheat
89. Do you kiss on the first date?: depends on the person
90. Are you photogenic?: depends
91. Do you dream in color or black and white?:Both
92. Are you wearing fingernail polish?: Not presently
93. Do you have any dimples?: I dunno
94. Do you remember being born?: No
95. Why do you take surveys?: Different reasons
96. Do you drink alcohol?: No

97. What is the best accent?: British!~
98. Favorite TV show?: Higher Ground or Pit Pony
99.Do you know anyone who is clinically depressed?: Yep
100.do you prefer a piano or a violin?: Umm piano i guess though i could play the violin a long time ago

Really Really Confused

Thu, 17 Jun 2004 04:08:25 GMT

I really don't understand Why life has to be like this. I am going out with Jacob and I guess things are still going ok, But i'm confused I mean i'm getting the feeling that i'm not meant to be with him, and even though i am getting this feeling I still have hope that its going to miraculously get better. Its so stupid though because we were supposed to go on a date like two weeks ago and we never did. He has spaced out how much he calls again which is actually fine with me because I don't really talk to him on the phone very well. But I had this problem at the end of school lets just say it graduated actually three of them did. But thats beside the point. This was the main one and like this one is still on my mind for some reason and one of my friends says that he is going through the same thing, lets call him Bob, was going through. because I told bob I liked him though I knew it would do no good and he had a girlfriend and so like this same thing is happening to one of my friends and so he thinks I should just let it go which is really what i've done because I haven't tried to talk to Bob or anything since right after graduation. I really wish we could at least talk every once in a while though I don't approve of his girlfriend. But I dunno if just giving up is even possible for me. I'm just like so tired of not being able to do things. I feel left behind by all my friends for some reason not just the ones I talk to now but alot of other ones and I miss my sister terribly. I haven't seen her in a really long time. Shes my confidant and I haven't been able to talk to her much and even when I do I feel bad because she has problems to and i want her to open up and talk to me. My other sister is now off to pennsylvania for like two weeks while we are stuck with her animals. I just wish things would start looking up for once in my life. I wish I could hold up to what I know I should do. I wish I KNEW what I should do but I don't. Its times like now, when right and wrong get blurred like whats right and wrong to do and say around my mother after all she has done to me. Shes done so many mean things, and things with my family and in my family are so twisted. I like alot of people and I don't have a chance with any of them at all. And even if I did have a chance with them I think I have major commitment issues which I realized before I went out with jacob again. Why can't I just do whats best for me for once. Probably because I dont' even know what that is. And I don't know how to find out.. I dunno what to do i'm out of ideas

Stolen from Stanley

Wed, 16 Jun 2004 03:44:46 GMT

Basic crap
name:: Dusty
age in years:: 16
age in your experiences:: i wouldn't know
location:: Springville Alabama
school?: Springville High School

Past:
who was your childhood best friend?: Adam Price and David Coffin
did you play with barbies (don't lie!)?: Yep
BOYS: Did you ever dress up with girls?: Not a boy
GIRLS: Were you a tomboy?: yes
Did you watch power rangers?: Haha all the time!
Did you have imaginary friends?: I don't really remember but i think i did
Doesn't play-doh taste good?: Oh yeah it was great NOT never tried it
Did you actually sleep during nap time?: Yes
Did you ever get married at recess?: Yes i did~! it was great
Did you make turkey's out of your hand print?: Yes

Present:
Where do you go to school?: Springville High School
What do you like to do?: Play music, Listen to music sit at the computer for hours on end...
Where do you go on the weekends?: I stay at home ALL THE TIME
Who are your good friends?: Jeremy Ashley Jessica Wendy
How many people are on your buddy list?: 44
Do you enjoy chick-flicks?: Yes
Do you have a signifigant other?: Technically (Don't ask though most already know)
Do you like high school drama?: Yes i think its fasinating as long as i'm not involved which i always am
Favorite subject?: Umm History
What is your favorite song?: Spiderwebs By No Doubt
Favorite drink?: Moutain Dew
Favorite food?: Pizza

Future:
Where do you want to live?: Anywhere But here~!
Do you want to get married?: More than anything
Do you want children?: Yes
Natural or adopted?: Both
What do you want to do?: Be happy
Where is the one place you must visit before you die?:England or Just Europe in particular
What does the end of the world hold in store?: Alot of things to many to name actually
What color casket?: umm brown
Do you want to be cremated or embalmed?: Embalmed
Donate your body to science?: NEGATIVE!
How would you like to die?: i was to die umm in my sleep or spending time with someone i love
Do you see yourself in heaven or hell?: Hopefully Heaven
Do you believe in heaven and hell?: Yes

OMG

Mon, 31 May 2004 03:13:42 GMT

so yeah that all passed whatever my sister calls me the other day and is like hey what was up with you and that guy i was like nohting huh what why she goes well mom asked me about it and asked if i knew what had happened

and i was liek no she goes gah diane you've gotten to where you lie so conviently liek its no big deal shes liek what do you mean she goes well i know that if dusty hadn't told you dione would have
dianes liek no dusty told me she had to pay the phone bill then clamped up
mom goes well heres what me and dad came up with
then my sister had to get off the phone and go back to work
so i didn't get to ear the rest of it until like tonight

i didn't think much of it but i still wanted to know
so she called tonight and i was liek what did mom and dad think happened
sooo my sisters like ok they think that that guy that was on the couch and opened the door for dad was the guy you were talkign to she thinks ya'll SLEPT together and then you thought you were pregnant and kept callign him and then right after you would call dione and she was like probably trying to work through her problem then she figured out she wasn't pregnant and stopped calling him
she asked dad what he thought about that boy being the one who took my virginity
I absolutly CANNOT stand her
JSUsilent bob: did you and him???
she has no reason to thnjk i would do that no reaosn to think anything liek that would ever happen i don't understand why she thinks i'm such a slut

HELL NO
thats christens brother and he's liek 10
JSUsilentbob: oh yeah i knew that
i'm never done anything more than kiss a guy why would she think that! she makes these stupid odd conclusions that ae so far from the truth diane knew it wasn't true she was liek are you actually serious
do you actually think she would do that come on I"M NOT LIKE THAT why can't she just get that trough her damn head

anyway the rest ws just talkign about my mom and why she would think thats thats the story though

Disapointment

Tue, 27 Apr 2004 20:50:29 GMT

I haven't written in this journal before i've been around for a little while but never written i've never had much to write in it i usually use my other diary but i decided i might as well use this one. Right now i am extremely disappointed in myself and my situation. I'm not really sad ok well yeah i am but not as much as i am dissappointed. In me because i believed something and took steps toward something that i knew would probably never actually work out in my situation because i wanted something so bad and it didn't work it fell through. Thats pretty much what happens to everything in my life. I took alot of big chances in the past week or so and today things just finally came out into the open. I don't even know why i'm so upset right now because i knew the situation and the details and i knew it wouldn't work out at least not right now. I didn't listen to my common sense though instead i went ahead. I could have left things as they were just left well enough alone but i didn't. I don't know whether to be proud that i took a risk or upset because everytime i do take risks they fall through and end up bad for me. Anyway i feel really alone not without friends type of alone but at least before today i had the possibility of being with someone. Now i'm lower than that. Anyway i'm gonna go now.